Episode summary
Tayvin once swore he would never own a minivan, not for all the tea in China, and certainly not before pigs learned to fly. This week he drove one off the dealership lot on purpose, and happily. Two ways of saying never, and a gentle reminder of how often life proves that never wrong.
T.E.A. Time is hosted by English teacher Tayvin Bayless. Read the full transcript.
Hello, hello, and welcome to T.E.A. Time with Tayvin Bayless.
If this is your first time here, welcome. I’m really glad you found us. And if you’ve been listening for a while, welcome back. It’s always good to have you here with me.
Let me start with a question. Have you ever done something that you were sure, absolutely sure, you would never do? What changed your mind?
I ask because this week, I did exactly that. I did something the younger version of me would not believe.
Which brings me to today’s first expression: not for all the tea in China. Not for all the tea in China.
There’s a little bit of history hiding in this phrase. For a long time, almost all of the world’s tea came from China. So “all the tea in China” was a way to picture a huge amount of something, a treasure so big it’s almost impossible to imagine. When you say you would not do something “for all the tea in China,” you mean there is no reward big enough to make you do it. You are saying no, and you really mean it.
One more small note about how this phrase works. You will almost always hear it in the negative, with “wouldn’t” or “not.” I wouldn’t do that for all the tea in China. Nobody says they would do something for all the tea in China. The phrase exists to refuse, and to do it completely.
For example, a few years ago, I would have told you that I would not own a minivan for all the tea in China. Keep that phrase in mind. You’ll hear it again before we’re done.
It’s been a week since our car broke down, and boy has it felt like a long one. Work, researching cars, and a family reunion kept us busy. We spent the week at my wife’s sister’s house. They live about 20 minutes from where the family reunion was being held, and have enough space for my wife’s parents and all of her siblings to be able to stay for a few days.
Because of the transmission issue we had with our old car, I spent a lot of our time in Idaho trying to solve it. The transmission, by the way, is the part of a car that carries power from the engine to the wheels. When it fails, fixing it often costs more than an old car is even worth. So instead of relaxing, I spent my days trying to find solutions, visiting dealerships, and searching the web rather than socializing with family. Luckily, Emma and Eliana seemed to have a good time with everyone. I think all the people and noise were a bit more than Eliana was prepared for, because when I put her down for her naps between activities she slept longer than I’ve ever seen her sleep. Usually she wakes up from her afternoon nap about 30 minutes after I put her down, but at the reunion she slept for 2 hours. It was nice, but also a bit concerning at the time. I went to check in on her multiple times to confirm that she was still breathing. I’m sure any parents listening will know exactly what I mean. You want your child to sleep, you pray for your child to sleep, and then when she finally does, you worry.
Even with most of my attention being focused on the car search, I was able to enjoy myself at the reunion. There was delicious food, fun games, and enjoyable conversations. There’s something special about being surrounded by family, even when your mind is somewhere else. The conversations don’t have to be deep. Just being together is enough. And even with the summer heat, the weather felt so much better than back in Texas. I’ve heard it said many times, but that doesn’t make it any less true. It’s not the heat that gets you. It’s the humidity. So the dry heat of Idaho was much appreciated. By the end of the reunion, we had not only enjoyed the company of our family, but I had also found what has now become our new car.
From the time I started driving at 15, until even just a few years ago, I would have never in a million years considered buying a minivan. And yet, that’s what I ended up driving off the dealership lot yesterday. I’ve owned Jeeps that could take me off-road, I’ve owned sedans that sit low to the road and give you a nice sense of speed when you drive down the highway. None of my cars were expensive or new. Our last car felt very practical. But even then, they all had an aesthetic, a look and a personality, that I was comfortable with. The main word that comes to mind when I think about our new minivan is: soccer mom. If you haven’t heard that term before, a soccer mom is an American stereotype: a busy parent whose whole life seems to revolve around driving kids to soccer practice, usually in a minivan. It’s not an insult, exactly. But it’s not cool, either. Not a very exciting image for me to project out to the world, and yet, surprisingly, I’m not only satisfied with our purchase. I’m excited about it. Ten years ago, you could not have paid me to say that sentence.
Which brings me to today’s second expression. If you had told 20-year-old me that one day I would buy a minivan, on purpose, with my own money, and be excited about it, I would have laughed and given you three words: when pigs fly. And yet, here I am, minivan keys in hand.
In English, when we say something will happen when pigs fly, we mean that it will never happen at all. Not probably not. Not almost certainly not. Never. If I say I will clean my brother’s room when pigs fly, I am not just saying no. I am saying that the very idea is impossible. You might hear a tired parent say the house will be quiet when pigs fly, or a student say their roommate will do the dishes when pigs fly. Pigs are heavy, round animals with no wings at all, and that impossibility is the whole point. The tone is playful, but also sarcastic. It’s the kind of thing you say with a smirk.
People have been joking about flying pigs for a very long time. The expression is usually traced back to an old proverb, and a dictionary printed in 1616 already lists a version of it: pigs fly with their tails forward. Even Lewis Carroll played with the image in Alice in Wonderland, about 250 years later. For centuries, a flying pig has been the English language’s favorite picture of something that cannot happen.
And then somebody made it happen. On November 4th, 1909, a British pilot named John Moore-Brabazon tied a wicker basket to the wing of his airplane, put a small pig inside, and took off. He even attached a handwritten sign: I am the first pig to fly. He did it as a joke, specifically to disprove the expression. The flight covered about three and a half miles, and some call it the first cargo flight in British history. The most impossible thing the English language could imagine, and all it took was an airplane and one stubborn pilot to make it real.
Here’s one more example you might hear in everyday conversation. Someone asks, “Do you think your brother will ever wake up early on a Saturday?” And you laugh and answer, “When pigs fly.”
Notice how today’s two expressions work together. Not for all the tea in China is about refusal. No reward could convince me. When pigs fly is about impossibility. It cannot happen, full stop. Both of them are ways of saying never. And both of them, in my case, turned out to be wrong. That’s the funny thing about impossible. Sometimes it just means not yet.
So here’s something to think about. Is there something in your life that you have always said you would never do? A food you swore you would never eat. A place you said you would never live. A hobby you promised yourself you would never try. The next time that “never” comes into your mind, think about today’s phrases and remember my experience. Maybe, just maybe, you could leave a little room to surprise yourself.
I wouldn’t have bought a minivan for all the tea in China. But I did buy a minivan to have a safe and reliable car for the family that we hope to grow into. I bought a minivan so that my wife can be more comfortable as she sits in the back seat with our daughter when we hit the road back to Texas in a few weeks. Twenty-one hours in the car. It’s practical, it’s spacious, and it’s a surprisingly smooth ride. I would not have considered purchasing this car 10 years ago, but that’s a good thing. It’s evidence that I’m not the same person as I used to be. I’ve let life change me. I think for the better.
Maybe that’s the real lesson hiding inside these phrases about never. “Never” is a strong word, and life loves to prove us wrong. In 1909, it proved a whole language wrong with one small pig. Sometimes, if you’re like me, it proves us wrong in a minivan.
And with that, my cup is empty. Thanks for joining me for T.E.A. Time. Until the next pot.
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72 expressions from both seasons, with the story behind each one.